The words had barely left her mouth when Sesshoumaru appeared, already unarmored and unshod—as if the sight of him standing there in his full forbidding attire wouldn’t have been an affront enough to her, on this day of all days. The cup clattered to the floor as Kagome leapt to her feet and balled her hands into fists.
“Don’t you have an ounce of common decency? I buried someone dear to me today. Rin-chan did too—you should be with her, not sniffing around here looking to get off. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that!”
Grateful for the outrage that made her face flush and her throat shake every bit as much as her grief had, Kagome secretly felt a little glad that he was here. It was easier to be angry than to be sad.
Sesshoumaru’s eyes flickered in the low light. “Must you always think the worst of me?” Before Kagome could respond emphatically in the affirmative, he added, “Rin is sleeping now.”
“…Good,” the miko said, her hackles falling just a bit. “I should be too.”
Turning on her heel, she crossed over to the platform at the back of the house, and seated herself primly on the bed. Her gaze was fixed on the lamp at her bedside. Her whole body was turned away from him in an attitude of clear dismissal.
Yet in the blink of an eye, he was at her back, the left side of the futon dipping beneath his weight. Kagome fought the instinct to tense. It was unnerving how fast he could move—almost faster than her spiritual senses could follow.
Almost.
“Why are you still here?” she grit out, twisting her fingers into the bedsheets.
“Ask me to leave, if you want me to go.”
“I shouldn’t have to ask—it should be pretty damn obvious.”
Giving up on mangling the sheets, which was doing nothing for her, Kagome picked up her comb and began to pull it through her hair in a fury. If anything, each snag she hit only agitated her further. But her stinging scalp was a better distraction, at least—until he plucked the comb from the vise of her fingers and started carding through her hair with his claws.
Too tired to fight him over something so petty, Kagome resigned herself to it, as the pain she’d inflicted on herself eased to a dull throb. Years ago, when she’d been too depressed to do anything more than just continue to exist, he’d used to comb her hair like this, sometimes. Back then, she’d thought he was trying to comfort her in his own strange way. But now she realized he’d only done it because it pleased him to do so.
He only ever did what pleased him, or not at all. There was a touch of epiphany in this realization, sudden and bright as a match strike—and just as fleeting. Her weary mind was already losing focus.
“…My hair’s getting too long. I need to cut it.”
“Why?”
Kagome scowled—and there was that tone of narrow disapproval she remembered so well. As if her every decision had to be vetted first by him.
“The longer it gets, the straighter it gets,” she grumbled. “I’m looking more like Kikyou with every passing day.”
This was an exaggeration, of course. Her hair would never be as sleek and ribbon-straight as her predecessor’s. But the ends of it reached more than halfway down her back now, and the soft wave of it was subtler than ever. Kagome liked that wave. She hadn’t when she was younger, but now she thought it suited her just fine.
So did Sesshoumaru, apparently. He’d finished sorting through the tangles, it seemed, and now had a thick lock of it wound about his claws.
“A few inches,” he allowed. “But no more than that.”
She didn’t know why she should care what he thought, but she did. She hated herself that she did. Wretched all over again, she thought of Kaede. She thought of all she hadn’t done, of all she hadn’t said—of all that she would never now be able to do or to say.
“I miss her,” Kagome said miserably. “Why do I keep losing the ones I love? No matter what I do, they keep slipping away from me, leaving me behind. It’s like I’m the one stuck in hell.”
She wanted to tell Kanako she didn’t mind about the fucking teacup because she was already cursed. The only constant presence in her life seemed to be the raping, murdering demon looming over her shoulder.
As if reading her mind, Sesshoumaru said dryly, “Does my brotherly companionship count for nothing?”
‘Brotherly’…
“Of course it doesn’t count,” Kagome said witheringly. “You’re not a good person.”
With perfect dispassion, he replied, “I am not a ‘person’ at all.”
Kagome tossed her head, not in the mood for his dark, shitty jokes. His lingering hold on her hair ruined the gesture, and she resented him all the more. As she winced and rubbed at her scalp, he released the long, warped tendril—and taking her by the arms, started to draw her back to him instead.
Kagome’s skin flamed as she struggled, but he didn’t seem fazed. “You really are just trying to take advantage of me!”
“In order to do that,” Sesshoumaru said, his arms and fur banding around her, “you would have to let me.”
Kagome wasn’t so sure she believed him. His youki was threatening to drown her out, and with a sigh, she gave up her feeble protests. She was exhausted, and under the excuse it afforded her, she settled back against him, relaxing by degrees.
His downy fur had a hypnotic effect on her. Already her lashes were feeling heavy, like each one was tipped in lead. Drowsy and muddled, she drifted in and out of consciousness briefly, remembering another time when he had held her this way…the last time she had buried someone she loved.
“How can I forgive you?” she asked him softly, sincerely. “I want to forgive you. I want to go back to the way we were.”
Just as softly, just as cruelly, Sesshoumaru said, “There is no going back for us now.”
Inuyasha © Rumiko Takahashi
Wow this was a big moment! Lots of tiny revelations here.
“Back then, she’d thought he was trying to comfort her in his own strange way. But now she realized he’d only done it because it pleased him to do so.”—Could it not be a bit of both? I can’t quite figure out if Sesshoumaru has any redeeming qualities in this universe. At times, Kagome seems to think he is pure evil but then she remembers some goodness he has done, for her or Rin or Kohaku. But she is also clearly desperate to see some good in him so who knows? The story being told from Kagome’s unreliable point of view leaves everything rather murky.
I am very curious about where this story will go from here. It seems that Kagome would like to forgive Sesshoumaru on some level, but Sesshoumaru (surprisingly?) doesn’t want her to? So what does he want exactly?? Thanks for your writing, as always!
Ahh thank YOU Alex!! So love hearing your thoughts and theories on this story – they always pump me up 😊
So glad you’re curious about where things are going from here. To tell you the truth, this is one of those moments in the story I’ve been dying to share from the start!
Thanks again!! 💕
This fic is making me feral, I hope you know that.
Okay. The entire thing with Hirokin. When I tell you my jaw DROPPED– I’ve been trying to figure Hirokin’s motives out for a while now– at first I thought he was loyal to Sesshoumaru and pulling strings (maybe even pulling strings Sesshoumaru would prefer him not to pull) in order to further his cause, but obviously that idea has been subverted through the side stories and realizing that Hirokin is actually on the brink with his entire relationship with Sesshoumaru. It’s wild that beside just wanted to use/ally with Kagome that there is actually some genuine attraction there too– all I could think the other day during the Hirokin side story and he was thinking it took a really aggressive woman to make him forget it was a woman was, ah, Kagome, wanting to step on his throat. Anyway, the parallels between Kagome and Sesshoumaru’s savagery are really unexpected and compelling and the way you’ve developed Kagome in this very believable, very painful way is just so beautiful. I am just totally in love with this fic.
This chapter is so revealing– that part about “I want to forgive you”– so incredibly painful and so interesting the way that Kagome makes an excuse to allow this physical intimacy with Sesshoumaru– and the way he is so ruthless in using her sorrow.
The contrast between how he treats Rin and how he treats Kagome always really fascinate me– he’s often cruel to Kagome in his efforts to push her where he thinks she should go, or force her to hard truths, but he is very sheltering of Rin.
One of the things you do really well is to articulate the alien psychology of inhuman beings. You never sugarcoat it or make it more palatable– instead, we are through Kagome forced to reencounter the strange, the repulsive, and the hideously alluring qualities of the inhuman characters over and over again. Love love love.
Thanks so much for writing!!!
“This fic is making me feral, I hope you know that.” – Woohoo! Love it, love it, love it – thank you!! 😍
God I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate your thoughts on the latest side story from Hirokin’s POV – and how it all plays into Kagome and Sesshoumaru’s dynamic here. I realize this is such an unpopular characterization of her, but to hear that the progression is painful yet believable is a balm to my soul 💕
As I mentioned to Alex this is a chapter I’ve been itching to write from the start 🥰
It’s been fun too, to play around with and contrast Sesshoumaru’s relationship with Rin vs Kagome. I always loved how protective he was of Rin in the original canon. Like the cool older brother who doesn’t want to show how much he cares ❤️
“ One of the things you do really well is to articulate the alien psychology of inhuman beings. You never sugarcoat it or make it more palatable– instead, we are through Kagome forced to reencounter the strange, the repulsive, and the hideously alluring qualities of the inhuman characters over and over again. Love love love.” – thank you x a million. Seriously. ❤️❤️❤️ It’s my favorite theme to explore, and one of the main reasons why the IY universe and this pairing in particular keeps pulling me back in, time and again.
Man, can’t express how much I appreciate the feedback! Hope you continue to enjoy the ride, my friend 💕
“I am not a person at all” is an amazing line. It’s up there with a line in an earlier chapter that was something like “his eyes went wide like a man’s” or something or other. Really hitting home that Sesshomaru is not, in fact a person, but a demon. I think the reader is made to grasp and understand this, but we see Kagome time and time again unable to. I feel like if she ever does find some semblance of forgiveness she’ll find it in his alien nature, after comparing it to her own.
As always, looking forward to the next update, stay well!
Through every chapter I can feel Kagome’s wall against Sesshoumaru slightly crack. She doesn’t want to completely accept him after knowing full well what he’s capable of, but he is the one familiar aspect of her life she isn’t willing to completely let go either. She’s clearly getting weary of her hatred of him. Most people do get weary of hatred after awhile. It’s mentally and physically draining. All of this excluding the ‘responsibility’ she feels she has to keep Sesshoumaru ‘in-check’. 😅
You are doing awesome with this story. I’ve never been this committed to a fanfic before lol
“ She doesn’t want to completely accept him after knowing full well what he’s capable of, but he is the one familiar aspect of her life she isn’t willing to completely let go either.” – man, I just don’t know if I could do it 😂 but you make a good point that it is hard, so hard, and so exhausting, to keep hating someone. Especially if you have a good heart and want so much to see the best in people 😢
As always, thank you for sharing, friend! So glad you’re enjoying the ride 😊💕
Through every chapter I can feel Kagome’s wall against Sesshoumaru slightly crack. She doesn’t want to completely accept him after knowing full well what he’s capable of, but he is the one familiar aspect of her life she isn’t willing to completely let go either. She’s clearly getting weary of her hatred of him. Most people do get weary of hatred after awhile. It’s mentally and physically draining. All of this excluding the ‘responsibility’ she feels she has to keep Sesshoumaru ‘in-check’. 😅
You are doing awesome with this story. I’ve never been this committed to a fanfic before lol
Thank you, mim!! – so glad you enjoyed that line 🥰 and the one from earlier as well! Sesshoumaru’s inhumanity is to me one of the prevailing themes of this story, and I so love hearing your feedback on this ❤️
Hope you enjoy the next update, and take care!! 💕